The Invisible Woman

Invisibility can either be a blessing or a curse.  It can be a blessing when someone you are avoiding doesn't see you.  It can be a blessing when you just want to be by yourself and want some much needed "alone time."  However, most times invisibility is a curse.  Especially when others around you don't see it.
"You do this."
"You do that."
"You don't do this."
"You don't do that."
Always calling out your flaws and never your strengths.  Always pointing out what you do wrong but never what you do right or what you do to help them.  You don't call out their flaws, yet all you do is listen to them tell you yours.  You sit there and take it.
"They see you."
Yes, they see the physical, living you; they don't see the you that is slowly drowning inside.  A piece of you slowly dying every day.  They don't see the you that takes all of the criticism to heart.  They don't see the you that is constantly made to feel inferior.  They don't see the you that feels left out of everything: important or not.  They don't see the you that also has feelings.  They don't see the you that cries in the shower out of fear that everyone will see you.  They don't see the you that is slowly breaking and crumbling into pieces in front of them.  Maybe they just don't care as much as you thought?  Maybe they just don't care about the invisible woman inside.

Dreams

When we were younger we were told to follow our dreams.  We were told that there is nothing better than doing what we love.  However, when you grow older and begin to think about your future, people criticize you for following your dreams.  People tell you not to follow your dreams but to be realistic.  Who said that dreams cannot become a reality?  What happened to us?  What happened to the people who told us to follow our dreams no matter what?  What happened to those who told us to make our dreams a reality?  I'm not quite sure where those people went, but they shouldn't have left.  Dreams are what make reality bearable.  Dreams are what spark change.  Dreams are what help us make sense of the terrible and messed up world around us.  Dreams are what make the world go round.  The way I see it, you should always follow your dreams.  It doesn't matter what your dreams are and it doesn't matter what others think of them.  You should always follow your dreams and anyone who tells you otherwise isn't worth it.  You don't need any of that negativity in your life.

The Reflection

Loneliness: destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship and support. It is completely natural for people to feel alone in unfamiliar surroundings. Sometimes it's especially difficult because it seems like that feeling never really goes away. And one thing builds on top of something else and next thing you know, you have an unstable mountain of feelings that you don't know how to express. You miss your friends that are 1,500 miles away. You feel like you have no friends. You feel like you annoy the few friends you do have. You feel like the people you are friends with aren't actually your friends. Is it them or is it me? Am I the problem? What's wrong with me? Is it something I did or said? You look at the reflection in the mirror and all you see is a meek girl staring back at you. All you see is a girl who isn't skinny enough, who isn't pretty enough, who isn't cool enough, who isn't good enough. All you see is a girl who doesn't fit in. All you see is a girl who is completely lost in this world. All you see is a girl who isn't worth anyone's time.

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

Remembrance. It's an important part of our daily lives. We remember those who caused us pain. We remember those who made us feel loved. We remember singing in the car with best friend. We remember when our parents tried to have "the talk" with us in middle school. We remember what our first kiss felt like. We remember who our first love was and how it felt when we were around them. We remember so much, even at a young age. I was in kindergarten when the airplanes struck the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001. Even then, I still remember the panic from everyone surrounding me. I remember the haunting pictures and disturbing videos I saw on TV. They were showed on every single channel. I remember. I also remember the day after. The day after was just as bad as the day itself but unlike the before, everyone was filled with hope. Hope that everything would be okay. I remember flying for several vacations afterwards. I remember the airport security rules becoming more and more strict. I remember having my children's scissors taken out of my Lilo and Stitch backpack and thrown away in the trashcan. I remember being so upset that I couldn't cut out my crayon creations on the plane. I also remember not understanding why they took my scissors away from me. I remember not being able to take my entire bottle of strawberry-scented bubble bath with me in my bag. Remembering is a powerful gift that humans are blessed with. While some of us may not want to remember, we all do. And as painful as some of the memories can be, we need them. They help us to be compassionate and caring and kind. They help us stand tall even when we want to shrink away. Remembering is a key to living life to the fullest. It helps us live 110% everyday. It helps us carry on even when we think we can't anymore. Remembering makes us wiser. Remembering make us stronger. Today, not only do we remember those kind people who were lost on this day, we also remember those who were brave and strong and compassionate enough to lend a helping hand during a dark time.

It All Starts and Ends With a Look

It all starts with a look. A single look that sends chills down your spine and makes you feel like you are on the world's scariest roller coaster. No words, no laughter, no sound. Just a look. A look from a pair of eyes that radiate warmth. A look from a pair of eyes that seem to stare into the depths of your soul. Just a look. Then comes the smile of a charming boy who couldn't possibly understand how charming he is. That boyish smile with that small little laugh that only comes from someone who is truly enjoying themselves. Then comes the eye roll from him when you make a corny joke or pun because he finds it funny but he also thinks it's stupid. Next thing you know, you are talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. You fill the silence with staring and giggling at each other's facial expressions. You ask meaningless questions and you repeat words because they sound funny the way he says them. And next thing you know, you have a best friend. You spend your free time together and always stop to say hello when you see each other. Always making unofficial plans to do nothing or something. And soon unspeakable feelings develop and you don't know how to react to them. You could act on them but you don't want to do anything because you are fearful. Always that small inkling of fear. This is so great and you don't to do anything to mess it up. So you don't do anything except wait. You wait it out. Then you can't take the waiting anymore and you do something so drastic and crazy that it couldn't possibly work. But it does and everything is great until something changes. You grow apart. You care, but you get bored. You get tired of seeing the same face every single day. And it all suddenly ends with that same look. That same look that makes you go weak in the knees and crushes your lungs and makes you feel like you can't breathe. Only, it doesn't make you feel that way anymore. Instead, it just makes you feel guilty because you wish you still felt that way, only you don't. The look is the same, but sadder and hurt. However, still filled with warmth. It still stares into to your soul and sends chills down your spine. It all ends with a look.

Each Second, Each Hour, Each Day

Isn't it funny how quickly life just passes us by? Each second, each hour, each day until eventually you don't realize how you got here. You just move through life to move, its mechanical almost. It feels like just yesterday your parents were tucking you into bed after reading you a bedtime story and now you have to tuck yourself into your own bed in an unfamiliar place. You try to make yourself feel comfortable, but you can't. You can't because you miss everything you used to have. You miss her smile, you miss his smell, you miss her laugh, you miss his voice. You miss everything. You miss the way you felt around them; you miss the life that you thought was once so complicated but was so much simpler than the present. You ignore the feelings just hoping that they go away. They don't. And next thing you know, you are all alone in a foreign place. You have friends, but they are all so new. You try to sleep, but the thoughts keep you up. You think about your old life like its in rewind, a never ending reel of memories. Each second, each hour, each day. The good, the bad, the indifferent. and then a single thought: isn't it funny how quickly life just passes us by? Each second, each hour, each day.

What Happened to Us?

Change. It's a side effect of living. Things happen and people change. Some people change for the better, some people change for the worse, and some people just change and whether it's for better or worse is indeterminable. Change. There is a usually a reason for change. Some people's change stems from hardship. Some people change because someone else told them they couldn't. Some people change because they want a fresh start. Some people change, like me, because someone pushed them too far and too hard. Most of the time, having a reason for change makes it easier for the person of interest and of others to comprehend and adjust. But what happens when a change happens so suddenly that it seems there is no reason? What happens when two people go from being so close to so alienated form each other so quickly? What happened? What happened to us?

The Day the Game Changed

Does anyone else find it odd that some people believe they are so entitled to act a certain way because they think there are no reprecussions? It's like some people in the world don't realize that some people still have feelings. I've recently realized though, that instead of dreading why people act a certain way, we should just not care. We should just be ourselves and not worry about what people will think about us. Instead of living a life about "what if," we should be living lives of "I can't believe I did that." We should be our amazing, talented individual selves. And one day, the people who treated us poorly and thought they were better than us will be the ones feeling the way we did. They look up at us and regret the decisions they made. They will realize that this was their biggest mistake. And we can stand there and think all of this and realize how true it is and say that it's going to happen. But when? Well, there is no better time to start than now. Today is the day that they will realize the game changed.

When You Know, You Know

   Noise. All of this noise surrounds me. Static, loud, all-consuming noise. All I hear people say is "Just get over it," "He's not worth it," "Why do you feel this way?"

   That's a good question isn't it? Why do I feel this way? The only answer I can possibly ever formulate is "I just do."

   "Why can't you get over it?"

   "Because it isn't that simple. If I could, don't you think I would've already? Do you think I enjoy being in a state of constant pain?"

   "It's simple."

   "No. It's not." And the conversation always ends there with a sarcastic roll of the eyes. No one ever asks "Why? Why is it so difficult?" No one really seems to care. Until one day, someone did. Someone asked me to explain my feelings. And I did as best as I could manage.

   "Why is it so difficult for you to get over him?"

   "Because when you know, you know. Yes, he is stubborn, enjoys jokes at others' expense a little too much, may be too honest, and is awful at communicating with others. Yes, he has some flaws. But I don't love him despite these challenging characteristics, I love him because of them. Yes, he is a pain in the ass sometimes, but I want him to be my pain in the ass. I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything. I want him to know that someone is there for him even when he doesn't think he needs anyone. I can't get over him because one day it will dawn on him that we are perfect for each other. I know that may be a little odd and premature but believe me. When you know, you know. Our personalities match perfectly. They are the same but different enough to keep it interesting. We each make up for what the other lacks. We have the same sense of humor and we like the same music. He is the first person that has been able to make me forget my first love. I don't care if he doesn't see it now and I don't want to wait around. But I don't want to miss him when he realizes that I love every part of him. I don't want him to forget me and I don't want to forget him because I would shatter into a million pieces. That is why I live every single day in a small amount of pain. It's because I have the curse of hope hanging around my neck that he will realize one day soon."

Life...

Life keeps giving me a strange and deserted feeling of emptiness.
Life keeps giving me a feeling of desperation to cling to anything remotely interesting and partially fulfilling.
Life isn't giving me satisfaction.
Life isn't giving me choices or chances I want, I'm utterly confused even in full clarity.
Here's why I leave: I want to experience something new, I want change, I don't want to live a boring life. I want to be exciting. I don't want to be stuck here.
Here's why I stay: I'm afraid to leave it all behind, all the tiny, broken, fragmented pieces. It scares the shit out of me. I'm scared of the unknown of tomorrow and years beyond. I'm scared of oblivion.
Here's what lights me up: warmth, love, the idea of being in love.
Here's what darkens my heart: the wanting of unreturned love, failure, my own cynicism that's hidden behind the charade of optimism displayed for the world to see.

An Incorrect Picture

When I was little, I used to play dress up in my mother's clothes and try on all of her makeup just wishing to grow up. I would go with her to the department store with the cracked linoleum floors and hide in the clothing racks filled with colorful silk dresses all the while, peeking through the silky curtains marveling at the beautiful twenty-somethings trying on beautiful dresses and skirts and tops the pay for them with their shiny, glossy plastic cards. Oh how I wanted to grow up! I wanted to be able to wear makeup and buy beautiful things with magical cards hand-crafted by the most talented plastic factory in the country. However, when I grew up, I quickly realized how naive I was. Growing up brought on more responsibility and complicated my once simple life. I now find myself wanting to travel back to the days when I wanted to be a princess or when I wanted to have tea parties with the stuffed animals that were once so comforting and are now all but a distant memory in the clouded, thought-filled mind of mine. When my mother told me to stay young for as long as I could, I refused to believe for she couldn't possibly be correct. However, I see now that she only knew too much and tried to keep me from making the same mistake her ad several others before had made. She didn't want me to grow up and be thrust into realization that the world was much crueler than the loving and hopeful world I had imagined. She was trying to save her young, innocent child from the pain the world so graciously bestows upon those who understand what pain really is. Why did I want to grow up? That naive little child is now gone and has been replaced by a woman who knows how cruel the world really is. A woman who knows what pain is and how truly awful it is. A woman who now only wishes to go back. A woman with hope that the world will one day change for those who are just like she was. Just a girl with an incorrect picture of what the shattered world really looks like. Just a girl with unconditional and everlasting hope.

An Illustration

Someone once said that "dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you." Dreams are as fickle as the hand of fate itself. One minute you can be enjoying a sweet, peaceful dream and the next you are ripped from the blissful scenery and you are thrown into a grotesque nightmare that even the scariest and most damaged of antagonists would fear. However, I wonder, if we can so easily be stripped from our dream, did we even want to be there that much to begin with? You see, dreams are something you fight for. While, yes, it is possible to dream a new dream and even change your current dreams, they are not supposed to be so easily given up on. Dreams are supposed to be fought for. Dreams are supposed to reveal a deeper meaning in our destiny. Dreams are supposed to be our future reality while also being a current escape from it. However, dreams don't just happen. We can't just sit there and expect our dreams to come true. We have to make them happen because as the brilliant William Shakespeare once claimed, "it is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves." If you want to change something, you have to dream it and accomplish it yourself.

Free

Are you looking, do you see?
Do you see up there?
Soaring, flying, so carefree
Lighter than the air

So beautiful, so pretty
Only one to see
So high above the city
Living life so free

Oh how I wish I could fly
Far away from here
So much higher than the sky
So I'm never near

How I envy the bird
Nothing to carry
For not a single word
Could make him worry

Hurry, fly away, be free
Travel somewhere far
For there is a world to see
Just beyond the stars

The Window to the Soul

Music is the window to the soul. Plain and simple. There is literally a song for everything. It's truly amazing! It's like, when you can't express what you're feeling, there is always a song that explains it perfectly. I personally think it's because music brings out the hopeless romantic in all of us. It is the exploration of the soul through the melodic, poetic sound that just comes naturally to all humans. We always strive to make things better and make them more advanced; but the one thing that doesn't change in music. Sure we have new technology and different tastes but the basics of music haven't changed. It is still the same poetry and melodies and rhythms that people have been able to relate to for thousands of years. That's why music is the cure for the soul. Everyone can relate to it and it connects us to past, present, and future. It makes a smaller piece of the whole world. It makes us realize and feel like someone understands and is listening to us. After all, that's really all we want in life, is for someone to listen to us and understand us.

Who I Want To Be

Let's be honest here, this is probably the most asked question by every single, living, breathing human on this Earth. Who do you want to be? Who do I want to be? Well, I want to be someone who is proud of myself. I want to be a true friend. I want to be someone who makes the people around me better as well as myself. I want to be compassionate. I want to help others. I want to influence the world. I want to conquer my fears because I don't want fear to hold me back. I don't want to be an option. I want to be confident. I want to feel put together. I want to intelligent and knowledgeable and worldly. I want to be someone who knows what I want.
Most importantly, I want to be strong. I want to be free-spirited and opinionated and free-minded. I want to be myself. I want to be comfortable being myself. I want to be someone who loves myself enough to let others love me.

Stranded in the Woods

Loss. It's something we all have to deal with at one point of another. It's difficult part of life because let's face it, letting go is never easy. Sometimes it's expected or it's shocking but most of the time it just, is. You don't really have a feeling or an emotion at first, it just is. It comes in multiple forms too. Sometimes the loss is a physical one, like losing a ring or a car key or our favorite CD. Sometimes it's emotional such as losing feelings for someone or losing our ability to smile when all we want to do is cry. Sometimes we experience a mental loss like being annoyed and frustrated with someone to the point of "losing our mind." However, often times, loss is do much more than that. A lot of the time, the loss we must face is like losing a piece of ourselves. It's like being stranded in the woods with nothing but our brains and our body. It's like being so completely out of focus that we hardly remember our own names. However, the good news is that it (the loss) always gets easier with time. Time is the only cure for loss.

The Steady Beating of a Drum

What is love? This is the single, magical question that has been posed by scholars and civilians alike for centuries. So, what is love? Love is a complex and confusing passion that is so powerful it practically hurts. Ironically, it is also practically every girls' (and guys') most sought after emotion. But what most people don't realize, is that love is so much more than just a feeling or an emotion. It's a multitude of indescribable reactions towards a particular person. It is a huge conglomerate of things. It is a way of life, a way of living. It's the will to do anything for someone; it's the will to give all of yourself to someone else. It is the will to accept all of someone else in return. It is unconditional and miraculous and glorious. Love is scary, wonderful, difficult, painful. It is beautiful in each and every single form. But it is also a disease, spreading and infecting every inch of the body. It is the steady beating of a drum in which the world, in all its entirety, revolves around. So, I ask again, what is love? If you must ask the question, you have no idea what love is, and no amount of explanations will ever help you understand until you experience it firsthand. Because love is far too complicated to put into words and yet, it is all too simple to even explain.

Only These Remain

After a long day of fun, partying, and cheer only these remain: hope, love, and faith. Hope that the new year will be better than the last one (or ten). Love for those we care about. Love for those that will be around when we least expect and those that will be there when we need them the most. Faith that the upcoming year will happen, as it inevitably will, for the best. That this year will make us better. Stronger even. That we have the strength to lift a 2 ton weight off of our shoulders. That we have enough strength to deal with the trials and blessings in our long, but incredibly short, lives. We wish for the best out of life. We wish for hope, love, and faith. Little do we realize that instead of wishing, we must be proactive and make it happen . For we must first have known the power of hope, love, and faith to have it again. For only these remain because we know the power and strength their existence holds.

Day 1 of 365 Days

Day 1 of 365 days. Day 1 of the best day of the year. A new beginning. A singular, glorious day in which you have no regrets, no sadness, no hopelessness. A day where anything can happen. A day from which your life begins. Day 1 of 365 days. A day full of shiny, new opportunities. A day full oh hope, joy, and peace. A day when nothing could go wrong. After all, you only live once, right? Day 1 of 365 days. A day full of second, third, twentieth chances. A day full of resolutions and revolutions. Day 1 of 365 days. The first day of a new year. The first step to a brand-new you. The first thoughts of change. Day 1 of 365 days. A day to remember and a day to forget. Day 1 of 365 days. The first day of the beginning, the middle, and the end. Day 1 of 365 days. Just 364 days left. Day 1 of 365 days. Day 1: the best day of the year. Day 1 of 365 days for your life to begin again.