We All Feel The Same

It hurts me to hear you talk that way.  

You think you're stupid, but you're not.  You're intelligent and know so much that you don't even realize you know.  You know more than just math equations and facts you were taught in class.  You know how to be kind and how to be funny and how to make someone feel special. You are not stupid.

You think you're not attractive, but you are.  Your hair is perfectly thick and dark and you're tall.  It's easy to get lost in your eyes; believe me, I get lost every time I look into them.  That's not all that makes you attractive though.  Your mind is a beautiful place and your heart is so kind and true.  Your personality is attractive and your looks are attractive.  You are attractive. 

You think you're weird, but you're not.  You're weird in the way that everyone is weird because no one is completely normal.  We all have our quirks.  I can still see you're worried about it though when you speak, when you're with your friends, when you act.  You shouldn't worry though because your quirks and weirdness are what make you not weird. You are not weird.

You think you're unloved, but you're not.  You constantly talk about failed relationships and how you want someone to love and how you want someone to love you.  Someone does.  Someone loves you not despite, but because of your imperfections and quirks.  Someone loves you because you are smart and kind and attractive and weird and funny.  You are loved. 

I'm pulled out of my train of thought by your voice, asking me a question. Asking me for advice.  I give you my advice all the while, hiding the way I feel.  The time passes and it's time for me to go. So I leave you; feeling glad I was able to reassure you.  I leave to go home and think that I'm stupid, unattractive, weird, and unloved.

A Letter to the Girls, Young Ladies, and Women of the World

Dear Girls, Ladies, and Women,
You are special, even if you don't always feel like it.  Every single one of you is beautiful and strong.  We all have different looks, different personalities, different interests but that doesn't make one girl better or more important than any other. We are all special in our own way.

Dear Girls,
There are so many things you should worry about in the world, but the way you look shouldn't be one.  Those mean girls?  They shouldn't be one either.  As a girl, you will always feel insecure about something, even as you grow up.  When I was a girl, I extremely worried about wanting other people to like me; however, as I grew up learned that not everyone is going to like you.  AND THAT IS OKAY.  The girls that are mean to you, and even the boys, they are also probably just as insecure as you are.  Instead of getting upset, just try to put yourself in their shoes.  Be kind to them anyways, even though it's hard.  Trust me, I had issues with this one at your age.  The best you can do is forgive them because you can't change them.  No one is perfect.

Dear Ladies,
You are beautiful just the way you are.  You don't need the makeup.  Although that doesn't mean you don't want it, you just don't NEED it.  You are beautiful on the outside as well as the inside.  Your body is perfect the way it is because it is just the way He intended it to be. You don't need a thigh gap, you also don't need your thighs to touch, you don't NEED your body to be any specific way.  The only person whose opinion matters about you is YOURS.  No one is perfect.
.

Dear Women,
Sometimes the world seems like too much.  You're constantly busy.  You're working.  You're helping your kids.  You're going through a divorce.  You're worried about finances.  Just take a step back and breathe.  You are strong.  I know this because every experience in your life has been helping you prepare for this moment.  You can make it and you can do it.  You will never get handed more than you can handle.  It may be hell to handle, but you can do it.  Just don't run yourself ragged.  Make sure you set aside some YOU time. And if you make a mistake, it's okay. No one is perfect.

No one is perfect.  We all try our hardest to be the epitome of perfection, but we aren't and that's okay.  It's okay to fail.  It's okay to make mistakes.  We learn from these failures and mistakes.  It happens.  And that's why we are all beautiful.  We are all different but all very similar.  We are all perfectly imperfect.  We are all connected by our imperfectness.  And our imperfections are what make us all beautiful.

A Letter to the Boy That Made Me Feel Like I Wasn't Good Enough

Dear Boy That Made Me Feel Like I Wasn't Good Enough,

You know who you are.  While you certainly weren't first the boy I dated, and definitely won't be the last, you are the one who left, perhaps, the biggest tear in my heart.  When I first met you I was intrigued.  You came into work that one summer day and I was taken aback, mostly because I was definitely not expecting someone that attractive to be in my store- especially someone that attractive to be working alongside me for the day.  I tried so hard to seem cool and seem like my life was all together- needless to say that was not the case.  I wasn't cool, my life wasn't together, and I know it didn't seem that way.  However, you didn't make me feel like the awkward, uncool girl I knew I seemed.  You made me feel comfortable.  That's when I first started crushing on you.  That hot day in mid-July when I first met you. 

Eventually, I worked up the courage to try talking to you via Facebook. And in case you didn't know, when you first messaged me back I actually screamed.  Out loud.  I was so excited and at first I had no idea what to say so I asked you a bunch of questions about yourself which was beneficial because I learned so much about you that I didn't know. I learned about what music you like, I learned what you liked to do for fun, I learned that you were a lot like me and I liked that.  Eventually, I got your phone number and I was ecstatic, until I realized I was leaving for school in couple of weeks and it didn't make sense to try and make my big move.  So I left home with my crush hidden deep inside my heart and in the back of my mind.

As the school year wore on, you would always pop into my mind and I would wonder what your life was like and what you were doing.  However, I would try and suppress these thoughts because I knew I was crazy.  When I would come home for breaks, I would "casually" stop by your store to see if you were working just so I could see you and say hi.  Most of the time you were there and when you weren't I was kind of sad. That's when I realized that this crush probably wasn't going away. And I was right- it didn't go away.  

Of course, at the end of the school year I came home and I was so excited.  However, at this point I wasn't really excited to see you because I had dated a guy back at school and had just finally gotten over it.  I was also more excited to see my parents and my dog and my friends.  But of course, old habits die hard.  I went into your store one day and there you were.  When you saw me you smiled and greeted me and took time out of your work to talk to me about how school was.  I was completely shocked, but also excited.  You seemed to be genuinely interested in how I was and what I was doing which, of course, reignited my original crush on you. 

After this encounter, I went to your store more often to see you.  Then, I finally took a leap pf faith and asked you to hang out- as friends- and you said yes.  Like wow.  And we had so much fun!  After that we would hang out once or twice a week until eventually you asked me on a date.  Let me tell you, it was the best first date that I have ever been on and it probably always will be.  I really don't think anyone can top that.  

Then we started dating, for lack of a better term.  We went on dates but we weren't in an official relationship I guess.  We had the "where is this going talk" and concluded that we both liked each other a lot but you didn't want to have a relationship because of the distance which makes sense and makes me even more of an idiot.  We agreed to date through the summer before parting ways amicably and it was a great idea for a few weeks.  But of course, it didn't work.  A few weeks later you broke it off with me because you "liked me too much," and "thought it would be best for both of us to end it now." I was heartbroken for the rest of the summer.  When I moved back for school I was finally getting over you when I found out you were dating another girl.  A girl who, by your standards, was long distance.  In fact, the same girl you would constantly snapchat and text while we would be hanging out and be on dates.  After learning this, I was ten times more heartbroken than before. And the worst part was- I still liked you.  I slowly started getting over you. I unfollowed you on social media so I didn't see you, I threw myself into my studies and work, and then you found another way back into my life.  You started liking my stuff on social media again.  When I started getting the notifications, my heart ached but then I came to some realizations. 

Despite all of the pain you caused me, I wanted to thank you.  I know. That sounds weird, but then again, I'm a pretty quirky girl.  I wanted to thank you because you made me realize what kind of a person I am and what kind of a person I want to be.  I'm not mad at you for obviously not liking me.  I'm not mad at you for lying to me by telling me you do.  I'm not even mad at you for possibly cheating me even though that would make you the third guy to do that to me.  I wanted to thank you for making me feel like I'm not good enough because it made me realize that I am good enough.  I good enough for you, I'm good enough for all of my exes, and better yet, I'm good enough for my Mr. Right- whoever he may be and wherever he is.  You made me realize that I have so many insecurities and not much self-confidence because I felt the need to seek validation from you that I was good enough.  But I'm done with that.  I'm more confident now, I'm less insecure (even though I still have some insecurities because who doesn't?), and I'm 100% determined to be good enough, if not, better than enough.  So one last time, thank you for making me feel like I wasn't good enough because without that, I wouldn't have realized that I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

Like I Don't Matter

I saw you again, unexpectedly and unreadily.  I had dreamed of this moment.  I imagined that I would look all put together and be ten times prettier than I had been with you and have myself calm and collected to create the illusion that I was over you.  Instead, I looked ten times less pretty than I had been with you, I didn't look all put together, and I wasn't calm and collected.  My hands shook and and my face flushed and my throat got tight because the truth is: I'm not over you and I don't know if I ever will be.  With you, everything was the way it supposed to be.  It was fun and playful and humorous and joyful and deep and real.  It was the way it's supposed to feel when things are just right.  Then one day, out of the blue, it all changed.  You ended things with me because "you like me too much" and "the timing is bad."  But what hurts the most is seeing you act like it didn't matter.  Like I don't matter.  That's the thing about people; you open your heart and let people in, only to have the same people crush and twist and break it leaving you scattered around the ground.
You were the first man I ever really truly and madly and deeply felt for.  I know that sounds crazy considering how short of a lifespan our affair lasted, but it's true.  I liked you for several months and then I fell in love.  I remember the day it happened too.  We were laying on the bed late at night.  We had spent the afternoon watching movies and talking about anything and everything.  And as the sky darker, we both got more tired.  Next thing you know we are listening to music, laying next to each other, and talking.  You turned on one of your favorite songs, which also happens to be mine, and you started talking about what kind of music you love and why.  You were so into it and I was enamored by how excited you were; like a little kid on Christmas morning.  I knew I loved you then.  However, time wore on and we were both very tired.  You turned on some more chill music and we laid there in bed, wrapped in each others arms, napping.  That's when I fell in love.  I never understood what John Green meant when he wrote "I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once."  But I understand it now.  I slowly fell in love and then everything you did after that made me love you more.  You see, you were the first man to make me feel like it was okay for me to just nap next to you.  You made me feel it was okay to just nap next to you instead of do other, more provocative, things or be someone else.  You made me feel safe from the outside world and from myself.  You made my insecurities melt away like butter.
Which is why this sucks so terribly.  I loved you with a deep love and now I feel like none of it ever mattered to you. Like I don't matter.

Bad Timing

"It's just bad timing."  We've all heard these four words before.  Maybe you didn't get that promotion because of "bad timing."  Maybe you didn't get that loan because of "bad timing."  Maybe you didn't buy that dress because of "bad timing."  However, I feel more often than not, we use "bad timing" as an excuse for something much greater than all of those: love.  I get it, while love is a beautiful and a magical and a splendid thing, it is also a very scary and very real thing.  Sometimes we aren't ready to deal with something of that magnitude because of its life changing qualities and its hardships; however, I feel more often, we are just scared.  Scared that it won't work out, scared that someone cares more, scared that one of use will find something better, and scared to let someone into our world and share everything with them.  And it's okay to be scared; we all are.  But you shouldn't let the fear win.  If we live a life giving into our fears we will never be able to be truly happy because in order to be happy, we keep our fears but live in spite of them instead.  If you give into your fears and doubts, amazing things will pass you by and if you let those things pass you by, you may not be able to get them back when you are no longer scared.  So don't let things happen because of "bad timing" because there is no "good timing," there's just time and if you let the time pass by, you will miss all the wonderful things in the world.

Mind Over Heart

Love is a many splendid thing.  However, it is also a rather complicated and often times, confusing thing.  And many times, we don't even realize it and if we do, its often too late.  I think Ernest Hemingway explained it best in his novel, A Farewell to Arms, when Henry is explaining how he feels about Catherine.  He says  "I had treated seeing Catherine very lightly, I had gotten somewhat drunk and had nearly forgotten to come but when I could not see her there I was feeling lonely and hollow." Often times we don't see it or feel it or understand it until one day, it just appears. It just hits you like a brick, out of nowhere.  However, that begs the question: did it randomly appear or was that feeling of love always there?  I believe that the feeling of love is always there but often times we choose to ignore it: we choose mind over heart, we choose fear over courage.  Often our times our minds are clouded by what we think we want instead of what our heart actually wants.  I think that if we let our hearts rule on matters of the heart more people might be happier. I think that if we start choosing courage over fear and heart over mind, the world might be a better place.

The Invisible Woman

Invisibility can either be a blessing or a curse.  It can be a blessing when someone you are avoiding doesn't see you.  It can be a blessing when you just want to be by yourself and want some much needed "alone time."  However, most times invisibility is a curse.  Especially when others around you don't see it.
"You do this."
"You do that."
"You don't do this."
"You don't do that."
Always calling out your flaws and never your strengths.  Always pointing out what you do wrong but never what you do right or what you do to help them.  You don't call out their flaws, yet all you do is listen to them tell you yours.  You sit there and take it.
"They see you."
Yes, they see the physical, living you; they don't see the you that is slowly drowning inside.  A piece of you slowly dying every day.  They don't see the you that takes all of the criticism to heart.  They don't see the you that is constantly made to feel inferior.  They don't see the you that feels left out of everything: important or not.  They don't see the you that also has feelings.  They don't see the you that cries in the shower out of fear that everyone will see you.  They don't see the you that is slowly breaking and crumbling into pieces in front of them.  Maybe they just don't care as much as you thought?  Maybe they just don't care about the invisible woman inside.