When You Know, You Know

   Noise. All of this noise surrounds me. Static, loud, all-consuming noise. All I hear people say is "Just get over it," "He's not worth it," "Why do you feel this way?"

   That's a good question isn't it? Why do I feel this way? The only answer I can possibly ever formulate is "I just do."

   "Why can't you get over it?"

   "Because it isn't that simple. If I could, don't you think I would've already? Do you think I enjoy being in a state of constant pain?"

   "It's simple."

   "No. It's not." And the conversation always ends there with a sarcastic roll of the eyes. No one ever asks "Why? Why is it so difficult?" No one really seems to care. Until one day, someone did. Someone asked me to explain my feelings. And I did as best as I could manage.

   "Why is it so difficult for you to get over him?"

   "Because when you know, you know. Yes, he is stubborn, enjoys jokes at others' expense a little too much, may be too honest, and is awful at communicating with others. Yes, he has some flaws. But I don't love him despite these challenging characteristics, I love him because of them. Yes, he is a pain in the ass sometimes, but I want him to be my pain in the ass. I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything. I want him to know that someone is there for him even when he doesn't think he needs anyone. I can't get over him because one day it will dawn on him that we are perfect for each other. I know that may be a little odd and premature but believe me. When you know, you know. Our personalities match perfectly. They are the same but different enough to keep it interesting. We each make up for what the other lacks. We have the same sense of humor and we like the same music. He is the first person that has been able to make me forget my first love. I don't care if he doesn't see it now and I don't want to wait around. But I don't want to miss him when he realizes that I love every part of him. I don't want him to forget me and I don't want to forget him because I would shatter into a million pieces. That is why I live every single day in a small amount of pain. It's because I have the curse of hope hanging around my neck that he will realize one day soon."