Life...

Life keeps giving me a strange and deserted feeling of emptiness.
Life keeps giving me a feeling of desperation to cling to anything remotely interesting and partially fulfilling.
Life isn't giving me satisfaction.
Life isn't giving me choices or chances I want, I'm utterly confused even in full clarity.
Here's why I leave: I want to experience something new, I want change, I don't want to live a boring life. I want to be exciting. I don't want to be stuck here.
Here's why I stay: I'm afraid to leave it all behind, all the tiny, broken, fragmented pieces. It scares the shit out of me. I'm scared of the unknown of tomorrow and years beyond. I'm scared of oblivion.
Here's what lights me up: warmth, love, the idea of being in love.
Here's what darkens my heart: the wanting of unreturned love, failure, my own cynicism that's hidden behind the charade of optimism displayed for the world to see.

An Incorrect Picture

When I was little, I used to play dress up in my mother's clothes and try on all of her makeup just wishing to grow up. I would go with her to the department store with the cracked linoleum floors and hide in the clothing racks filled with colorful silk dresses all the while, peeking through the silky curtains marveling at the beautiful twenty-somethings trying on beautiful dresses and skirts and tops the pay for them with their shiny, glossy plastic cards. Oh how I wanted to grow up! I wanted to be able to wear makeup and buy beautiful things with magical cards hand-crafted by the most talented plastic factory in the country. However, when I grew up, I quickly realized how naive I was. Growing up brought on more responsibility and complicated my once simple life. I now find myself wanting to travel back to the days when I wanted to be a princess or when I wanted to have tea parties with the stuffed animals that were once so comforting and are now all but a distant memory in the clouded, thought-filled mind of mine. When my mother told me to stay young for as long as I could, I refused to believe for she couldn't possibly be correct. However, I see now that she only knew too much and tried to keep me from making the same mistake her ad several others before had made. She didn't want me to grow up and be thrust into realization that the world was much crueler than the loving and hopeful world I had imagined. She was trying to save her young, innocent child from the pain the world so graciously bestows upon those who understand what pain really is. Why did I want to grow up? That naive little child is now gone and has been replaced by a woman who knows how cruel the world really is. A woman who knows what pain is and how truly awful it is. A woman who now only wishes to go back. A woman with hope that the world will one day change for those who are just like she was. Just a girl with an incorrect picture of what the shattered world really looks like. Just a girl with unconditional and everlasting hope.

An Illustration

Someone once said that "dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you." Dreams are as fickle as the hand of fate itself. One minute you can be enjoying a sweet, peaceful dream and the next you are ripped from the blissful scenery and you are thrown into a grotesque nightmare that even the scariest and most damaged of antagonists would fear. However, I wonder, if we can so easily be stripped from our dream, did we even want to be there that much to begin with? You see, dreams are something you fight for. While, yes, it is possible to dream a new dream and even change your current dreams, they are not supposed to be so easily given up on. Dreams are supposed to be fought for. Dreams are supposed to reveal a deeper meaning in our destiny. Dreams are supposed to be our future reality while also being a current escape from it. However, dreams don't just happen. We can't just sit there and expect our dreams to come true. We have to make them happen because as the brilliant William Shakespeare once claimed, "it is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves." If you want to change something, you have to dream it and accomplish it yourself.

Free

Are you looking, do you see?
Do you see up there?
Soaring, flying, so carefree
Lighter than the air

So beautiful, so pretty
Only one to see
So high above the city
Living life so free

Oh how I wish I could fly
Far away from here
So much higher than the sky
So I'm never near

How I envy the bird
Nothing to carry
For not a single word
Could make him worry

Hurry, fly away, be free
Travel somewhere far
For there is a world to see
Just beyond the stars

The Window to the Soul

Music is the window to the soul. Plain and simple. There is literally a song for everything. It's truly amazing! It's like, when you can't express what you're feeling, there is always a song that explains it perfectly. I personally think it's because music brings out the hopeless romantic in all of us. It is the exploration of the soul through the melodic, poetic sound that just comes naturally to all humans. We always strive to make things better and make them more advanced; but the one thing that doesn't change in music. Sure we have new technology and different tastes but the basics of music haven't changed. It is still the same poetry and melodies and rhythms that people have been able to relate to for thousands of years. That's why music is the cure for the soul. Everyone can relate to it and it connects us to past, present, and future. It makes a smaller piece of the whole world. It makes us realize and feel like someone understands and is listening to us. After all, that's really all we want in life, is for someone to listen to us and understand us.

Who I Want To Be

Let's be honest here, this is probably the most asked question by every single, living, breathing human on this Earth. Who do you want to be? Who do I want to be? Well, I want to be someone who is proud of myself. I want to be a true friend. I want to be someone who makes the people around me better as well as myself. I want to be compassionate. I want to help others. I want to influence the world. I want to conquer my fears because I don't want fear to hold me back. I don't want to be an option. I want to be confident. I want to feel put together. I want to intelligent and knowledgeable and worldly. I want to be someone who knows what I want.
Most importantly, I want to be strong. I want to be free-spirited and opinionated and free-minded. I want to be myself. I want to be comfortable being myself. I want to be someone who loves myself enough to let others love me.

Stranded in the Woods

Loss. It's something we all have to deal with at one point of another. It's difficult part of life because let's face it, letting go is never easy. Sometimes it's expected or it's shocking but most of the time it just, is. You don't really have a feeling or an emotion at first, it just is. It comes in multiple forms too. Sometimes the loss is a physical one, like losing a ring or a car key or our favorite CD. Sometimes it's emotional such as losing feelings for someone or losing our ability to smile when all we want to do is cry. Sometimes we experience a mental loss like being annoyed and frustrated with someone to the point of "losing our mind." However, often times, loss is do much more than that. A lot of the time, the loss we must face is like losing a piece of ourselves. It's like being stranded in the woods with nothing but our brains and our body. It's like being so completely out of focus that we hardly remember our own names. However, the good news is that it (the loss) always gets easier with time. Time is the only cure for loss.