Like I Don't Matter

I saw you again, unexpectedly and unreadily.  I had dreamed of this moment.  I imagined that I would look all put together and be ten times prettier than I had been with you and have myself calm and collected to create the illusion that I was over you.  Instead, I looked ten times less pretty than I had been with you, I didn't look all put together, and I wasn't calm and collected.  My hands shook and and my face flushed and my throat got tight because the truth is: I'm not over you and I don't know if I ever will be.  With you, everything was the way it supposed to be.  It was fun and playful and humorous and joyful and deep and real.  It was the way it's supposed to feel when things are just right.  Then one day, out of the blue, it all changed.  You ended things with me because "you like me too much" and "the timing is bad."  But what hurts the most is seeing you act like it didn't matter.  Like I don't matter.  That's the thing about people; you open your heart and let people in, only to have the same people crush and twist and break it leaving you scattered around the ground.
You were the first man I ever really truly and madly and deeply felt for.  I know that sounds crazy considering how short of a lifespan our affair lasted, but it's true.  I liked you for several months and then I fell in love.  I remember the day it happened too.  We were laying on the bed late at night.  We had spent the afternoon watching movies and talking about anything and everything.  And as the sky darker, we both got more tired.  Next thing you know we are listening to music, laying next to each other, and talking.  You turned on one of your favorite songs, which also happens to be mine, and you started talking about what kind of music you love and why.  You were so into it and I was enamored by how excited you were; like a little kid on Christmas morning.  I knew I loved you then.  However, time wore on and we were both very tired.  You turned on some more chill music and we laid there in bed, wrapped in each others arms, napping.  That's when I fell in love.  I never understood what John Green meant when he wrote "I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once."  But I understand it now.  I slowly fell in love and then everything you did after that made me love you more.  You see, you were the first man to make me feel like it was okay for me to just nap next to you.  You made me feel it was okay to just nap next to you instead of do other, more provocative, things or be someone else.  You made me feel safe from the outside world and from myself.  You made my insecurities melt away like butter.
Which is why this sucks so terribly.  I loved you with a deep love and now I feel like none of it ever mattered to you. Like I don't matter.