Like I Don't Matter

I saw you again, unexpectedly and unreadily.  I had dreamed of this moment.  I imagined that I would look all put together and be ten times prettier than I had been with you and have myself calm and collected to create the illusion that I was over you.  Instead, I looked ten times less pretty than I had been with you, I didn't look all put together, and I wasn't calm and collected.  My hands shook and and my face flushed and my throat got tight because the truth is: I'm not over you and I don't know if I ever will be.  With you, everything was the way it supposed to be.  It was fun and playful and humorous and joyful and deep and real.  It was the way it's supposed to feel when things are just right.  Then one day, out of the blue, it all changed.  You ended things with me because "you like me too much" and "the timing is bad."  But what hurts the most is seeing you act like it didn't matter.  Like I don't matter.  That's the thing about people; you open your heart and let people in, only to have the same people crush and twist and break it leaving you scattered around the ground.
You were the first man I ever really truly and madly and deeply felt for.  I know that sounds crazy considering how short of a lifespan our affair lasted, but it's true.  I liked you for several months and then I fell in love.  I remember the day it happened too.  We were laying on the bed late at night.  We had spent the afternoon watching movies and talking about anything and everything.  And as the sky darker, we both got more tired.  Next thing you know we are listening to music, laying next to each other, and talking.  You turned on one of your favorite songs, which also happens to be mine, and you started talking about what kind of music you love and why.  You were so into it and I was enamored by how excited you were; like a little kid on Christmas morning.  I knew I loved you then.  However, time wore on and we were both very tired.  You turned on some more chill music and we laid there in bed, wrapped in each others arms, napping.  That's when I fell in love.  I never understood what John Green meant when he wrote "I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once."  But I understand it now.  I slowly fell in love and then everything you did after that made me love you more.  You see, you were the first man to make me feel like it was okay for me to just nap next to you.  You made me feel it was okay to just nap next to you instead of do other, more provocative, things or be someone else.  You made me feel safe from the outside world and from myself.  You made my insecurities melt away like butter.
Which is why this sucks so terribly.  I loved you with a deep love and now I feel like none of it ever mattered to you. Like I don't matter.

Bad Timing

"It's just bad timing."  We've all heard these four words before.  Maybe you didn't get that promotion because of "bad timing."  Maybe you didn't get that loan because of "bad timing."  Maybe you didn't buy that dress because of "bad timing."  However, I feel more often than not, we use "bad timing" as an excuse for something much greater than all of those: love.  I get it, while love is a beautiful and a magical and a splendid thing, it is also a very scary and very real thing.  Sometimes we aren't ready to deal with something of that magnitude because of its life changing qualities and its hardships; however, I feel more often, we are just scared.  Scared that it won't work out, scared that someone cares more, scared that one of use will find something better, and scared to let someone into our world and share everything with them.  And it's okay to be scared; we all are.  But you shouldn't let the fear win.  If we live a life giving into our fears we will never be able to be truly happy because in order to be happy, we keep our fears but live in spite of them instead.  If you give into your fears and doubts, amazing things will pass you by and if you let those things pass you by, you may not be able to get them back when you are no longer scared.  So don't let things happen because of "bad timing" because there is no "good timing," there's just time and if you let the time pass by, you will miss all the wonderful things in the world.

Mind Over Heart

Love is a many splendid thing.  However, it is also a rather complicated and often times, confusing thing.  And many times, we don't even realize it and if we do, its often too late.  I think Ernest Hemingway explained it best in his novel, A Farewell to Arms, when Henry is explaining how he feels about Catherine.  He says  "I had treated seeing Catherine very lightly, I had gotten somewhat drunk and had nearly forgotten to come but when I could not see her there I was feeling lonely and hollow." Often times we don't see it or feel it or understand it until one day, it just appears. It just hits you like a brick, out of nowhere.  However, that begs the question: did it randomly appear or was that feeling of love always there?  I believe that the feeling of love is always there but often times we choose to ignore it: we choose mind over heart, we choose fear over courage.  Often our times our minds are clouded by what we think we want instead of what our heart actually wants.  I think that if we let our hearts rule on matters of the heart more people might be happier. I think that if we start choosing courage over fear and heart over mind, the world might be a better place.

The Invisible Woman

Invisibility can either be a blessing or a curse.  It can be a blessing when someone you are avoiding doesn't see you.  It can be a blessing when you just want to be by yourself and want some much needed "alone time."  However, most times invisibility is a curse.  Especially when others around you don't see it.
"You do this."
"You do that."
"You don't do this."
"You don't do that."
Always calling out your flaws and never your strengths.  Always pointing out what you do wrong but never what you do right or what you do to help them.  You don't call out their flaws, yet all you do is listen to them tell you yours.  You sit there and take it.
"They see you."
Yes, they see the physical, living you; they don't see the you that is slowly drowning inside.  A piece of you slowly dying every day.  They don't see the you that takes all of the criticism to heart.  They don't see the you that is constantly made to feel inferior.  They don't see the you that feels left out of everything: important or not.  They don't see the you that also has feelings.  They don't see the you that cries in the shower out of fear that everyone will see you.  They don't see the you that is slowly breaking and crumbling into pieces in front of them.  Maybe they just don't care as much as you thought?  Maybe they just don't care about the invisible woman inside.

Dreams

When we were younger we were told to follow our dreams.  We were told that there is nothing better than doing what we love.  However, when you grow older and begin to think about your future, people criticize you for following your dreams.  People tell you not to follow your dreams but to be realistic.  Who said that dreams cannot become a reality?  What happened to us?  What happened to the people who told us to follow our dreams no matter what?  What happened to those who told us to make our dreams a reality?  I'm not quite sure where those people went, but they shouldn't have left.  Dreams are what make reality bearable.  Dreams are what spark change.  Dreams are what help us make sense of the terrible and messed up world around us.  Dreams are what make the world go round.  The way I see it, you should always follow your dreams.  It doesn't matter what your dreams are and it doesn't matter what others think of them.  You should always follow your dreams and anyone who tells you otherwise isn't worth it.  You don't need any of that negativity in your life.

The Reflection

Loneliness: destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship and support. It is completely natural for people to feel alone in unfamiliar surroundings. Sometimes it's especially difficult because it seems like that feeling never really goes away. And one thing builds on top of something else and next thing you know, you have an unstable mountain of feelings that you don't know how to express. You miss your friends that are 1,500 miles away. You feel like you have no friends. You feel like you annoy the few friends you do have. You feel like the people you are friends with aren't actually your friends. Is it them or is it me? Am I the problem? What's wrong with me? Is it something I did or said? You look at the reflection in the mirror and all you see is a meek girl staring back at you. All you see is a girl who isn't skinny enough, who isn't pretty enough, who isn't cool enough, who isn't good enough. All you see is a girl who doesn't fit in. All you see is a girl who is completely lost in this world. All you see is a girl who isn't worth anyone's time.

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

Remembrance. It's an important part of our daily lives. We remember those who caused us pain. We remember those who made us feel loved. We remember singing in the car with best friend. We remember when our parents tried to have "the talk" with us in middle school. We remember what our first kiss felt like. We remember who our first love was and how it felt when we were around them. We remember so much, even at a young age. I was in kindergarten when the airplanes struck the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001. Even then, I still remember the panic from everyone surrounding me. I remember the haunting pictures and disturbing videos I saw on TV. They were showed on every single channel. I remember. I also remember the day after. The day after was just as bad as the day itself but unlike the before, everyone was filled with hope. Hope that everything would be okay. I remember flying for several vacations afterwards. I remember the airport security rules becoming more and more strict. I remember having my children's scissors taken out of my Lilo and Stitch backpack and thrown away in the trashcan. I remember being so upset that I couldn't cut out my crayon creations on the plane. I also remember not understanding why they took my scissors away from me. I remember not being able to take my entire bottle of strawberry-scented bubble bath with me in my bag. Remembering is a powerful gift that humans are blessed with. While some of us may not want to remember, we all do. And as painful as some of the memories can be, we need them. They help us to be compassionate and caring and kind. They help us stand tall even when we want to shrink away. Remembering is a key to living life to the fullest. It helps us live 110% everyday. It helps us carry on even when we think we can't anymore. Remembering makes us wiser. Remembering make us stronger. Today, not only do we remember those kind people who were lost on this day, we also remember those who were brave and strong and compassionate enough to lend a helping hand during a dark time.