It All Starts and Ends With a Look

It all starts with a look. A single look that sends chills down your spine and makes you feel like you are on the world's scariest roller coaster. No words, no laughter, no sound. Just a look. A look from a pair of eyes that radiate warmth. A look from a pair of eyes that seem to stare into the depths of your soul. Just a look. Then comes the smile of a charming boy who couldn't possibly understand how charming he is. That boyish smile with that small little laugh that only comes from someone who is truly enjoying themselves. Then comes the eye roll from him when you make a corny joke or pun because he finds it funny but he also thinks it's stupid. Next thing you know, you are talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. You fill the silence with staring and giggling at each other's facial expressions. You ask meaningless questions and you repeat words because they sound funny the way he says them. And next thing you know, you have a best friend. You spend your free time together and always stop to say hello when you see each other. Always making unofficial plans to do nothing or something. And soon unspeakable feelings develop and you don't know how to react to them. You could act on them but you don't want to do anything because you are fearful. Always that small inkling of fear. This is so great and you don't to do anything to mess it up. So you don't do anything except wait. You wait it out. Then you can't take the waiting anymore and you do something so drastic and crazy that it couldn't possibly work. But it does and everything is great until something changes. You grow apart. You care, but you get bored. You get tired of seeing the same face every single day. And it all suddenly ends with that same look. That same look that makes you go weak in the knees and crushes your lungs and makes you feel like you can't breathe. Only, it doesn't make you feel that way anymore. Instead, it just makes you feel guilty because you wish you still felt that way, only you don't. The look is the same, but sadder and hurt. However, still filled with warmth. It still stares into to your soul and sends chills down your spine. It all ends with a look.

Each Second, Each Hour, Each Day

Isn't it funny how quickly life just passes us by? Each second, each hour, each day until eventually you don't realize how you got here. You just move through life to move, its mechanical almost. It feels like just yesterday your parents were tucking you into bed after reading you a bedtime story and now you have to tuck yourself into your own bed in an unfamiliar place. You try to make yourself feel comfortable, but you can't. You can't because you miss everything you used to have. You miss her smile, you miss his smell, you miss her laugh, you miss his voice. You miss everything. You miss the way you felt around them; you miss the life that you thought was once so complicated but was so much simpler than the present. You ignore the feelings just hoping that they go away. They don't. And next thing you know, you are all alone in a foreign place. You have friends, but they are all so new. You try to sleep, but the thoughts keep you up. You think about your old life like its in rewind, a never ending reel of memories. Each second, each hour, each day. The good, the bad, the indifferent. and then a single thought: isn't it funny how quickly life just passes us by? Each second, each hour, each day.

What Happened to Us?

Change. It's a side effect of living. Things happen and people change. Some people change for the better, some people change for the worse, and some people just change and whether it's for better or worse is indeterminable. Change. There is a usually a reason for change. Some people's change stems from hardship. Some people change because someone else told them they couldn't. Some people change because they want a fresh start. Some people change, like me, because someone pushed them too far and too hard. Most of the time, having a reason for change makes it easier for the person of interest and of others to comprehend and adjust. But what happens when a change happens so suddenly that it seems there is no reason? What happens when two people go from being so close to so alienated form each other so quickly? What happened? What happened to us?

The Day the Game Changed

Does anyone else find it odd that some people believe they are so entitled to act a certain way because they think there are no reprecussions? It's like some people in the world don't realize that some people still have feelings. I've recently realized though, that instead of dreading why people act a certain way, we should just not care. We should just be ourselves and not worry about what people will think about us. Instead of living a life about "what if," we should be living lives of "I can't believe I did that." We should be our amazing, talented individual selves. And one day, the people who treated us poorly and thought they were better than us will be the ones feeling the way we did. They look up at us and regret the decisions they made. They will realize that this was their biggest mistake. And we can stand there and think all of this and realize how true it is and say that it's going to happen. But when? Well, there is no better time to start than now. Today is the day that they will realize the game changed.

When You Know, You Know

   Noise. All of this noise surrounds me. Static, loud, all-consuming noise. All I hear people say is "Just get over it," "He's not worth it," "Why do you feel this way?"

   That's a good question isn't it? Why do I feel this way? The only answer I can possibly ever formulate is "I just do."

   "Why can't you get over it?"

   "Because it isn't that simple. If I could, don't you think I would've already? Do you think I enjoy being in a state of constant pain?"

   "It's simple."

   "No. It's not." And the conversation always ends there with a sarcastic roll of the eyes. No one ever asks "Why? Why is it so difficult?" No one really seems to care. Until one day, someone did. Someone asked me to explain my feelings. And I did as best as I could manage.

   "Why is it so difficult for you to get over him?"

   "Because when you know, you know. Yes, he is stubborn, enjoys jokes at others' expense a little too much, may be too honest, and is awful at communicating with others. Yes, he has some flaws. But I don't love him despite these challenging characteristics, I love him because of them. Yes, he is a pain in the ass sometimes, but I want him to be my pain in the ass. I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything. I want him to know that someone is there for him even when he doesn't think he needs anyone. I can't get over him because one day it will dawn on him that we are perfect for each other. I know that may be a little odd and premature but believe me. When you know, you know. Our personalities match perfectly. They are the same but different enough to keep it interesting. We each make up for what the other lacks. We have the same sense of humor and we like the same music. He is the first person that has been able to make me forget my first love. I don't care if he doesn't see it now and I don't want to wait around. But I don't want to miss him when he realizes that I love every part of him. I don't want him to forget me and I don't want to forget him because I would shatter into a million pieces. That is why I live every single day in a small amount of pain. It's because I have the curse of hope hanging around my neck that he will realize one day soon."

Life...

Life keeps giving me a strange and deserted feeling of emptiness.
Life keeps giving me a feeling of desperation to cling to anything remotely interesting and partially fulfilling.
Life isn't giving me satisfaction.
Life isn't giving me choices or chances I want, I'm utterly confused even in full clarity.
Here's why I leave: I want to experience something new, I want change, I don't want to live a boring life. I want to be exciting. I don't want to be stuck here.
Here's why I stay: I'm afraid to leave it all behind, all the tiny, broken, fragmented pieces. It scares the shit out of me. I'm scared of the unknown of tomorrow and years beyond. I'm scared of oblivion.
Here's what lights me up: warmth, love, the idea of being in love.
Here's what darkens my heart: the wanting of unreturned love, failure, my own cynicism that's hidden behind the charade of optimism displayed for the world to see.

An Incorrect Picture

When I was little, I used to play dress up in my mother's clothes and try on all of her makeup just wishing to grow up. I would go with her to the department store with the cracked linoleum floors and hide in the clothing racks filled with colorful silk dresses all the while, peeking through the silky curtains marveling at the beautiful twenty-somethings trying on beautiful dresses and skirts and tops the pay for them with their shiny, glossy plastic cards. Oh how I wanted to grow up! I wanted to be able to wear makeup and buy beautiful things with magical cards hand-crafted by the most talented plastic factory in the country. However, when I grew up, I quickly realized how naive I was. Growing up brought on more responsibility and complicated my once simple life. I now find myself wanting to travel back to the days when I wanted to be a princess or when I wanted to have tea parties with the stuffed animals that were once so comforting and are now all but a distant memory in the clouded, thought-filled mind of mine. When my mother told me to stay young for as long as I could, I refused to believe for she couldn't possibly be correct. However, I see now that she only knew too much and tried to keep me from making the same mistake her ad several others before had made. She didn't want me to grow up and be thrust into realization that the world was much crueler than the loving and hopeful world I had imagined. She was trying to save her young, innocent child from the pain the world so graciously bestows upon those who understand what pain really is. Why did I want to grow up? That naive little child is now gone and has been replaced by a woman who knows how cruel the world really is. A woman who knows what pain is and how truly awful it is. A woman who now only wishes to go back. A woman with hope that the world will one day change for those who are just like she was. Just a girl with an incorrect picture of what the shattered world really looks like. Just a girl with unconditional and everlasting hope.