What Happened to Us?

Change. It's a side effect of living. Things happen and people change. Some people change for the better, some people change for the worse, and some people just change and whether it's for better or worse is indeterminable. Change. There is a usually a reason for change. Some people's change stems from hardship. Some people change because someone else told them they couldn't. Some people change because they want a fresh start. Some people change, like me, because someone pushed them too far and too hard. Most of the time, having a reason for change makes it easier for the person of interest and of others to comprehend and adjust. But what happens when a change happens so suddenly that it seems there is no reason? What happens when two people go from being so close to so alienated form each other so quickly? What happened? What happened to us?

The Day the Game Changed

Does anyone else find it odd that some people believe they are so entitled to act a certain way because they think there are no reprecussions? It's like some people in the world don't realize that some people still have feelings. I've recently realized though, that instead of dreading why people act a certain way, we should just not care. We should just be ourselves and not worry about what people will think about us. Instead of living a life about "what if," we should be living lives of "I can't believe I did that." We should be our amazing, talented individual selves. And one day, the people who treated us poorly and thought they were better than us will be the ones feeling the way we did. They look up at us and regret the decisions they made. They will realize that this was their biggest mistake. And we can stand there and think all of this and realize how true it is and say that it's going to happen. But when? Well, there is no better time to start than now. Today is the day that they will realize the game changed.

When You Know, You Know

   Noise. All of this noise surrounds me. Static, loud, all-consuming noise. All I hear people say is "Just get over it," "He's not worth it," "Why do you feel this way?"

   That's a good question isn't it? Why do I feel this way? The only answer I can possibly ever formulate is "I just do."

   "Why can't you get over it?"

   "Because it isn't that simple. If I could, don't you think I would've already? Do you think I enjoy being in a state of constant pain?"

   "It's simple."

   "No. It's not." And the conversation always ends there with a sarcastic roll of the eyes. No one ever asks "Why? Why is it so difficult?" No one really seems to care. Until one day, someone did. Someone asked me to explain my feelings. And I did as best as I could manage.

   "Why is it so difficult for you to get over him?"

   "Because when you know, you know. Yes, he is stubborn, enjoys jokes at others' expense a little too much, may be too honest, and is awful at communicating with others. Yes, he has some flaws. But I don't love him despite these challenging characteristics, I love him because of them. Yes, he is a pain in the ass sometimes, but I want him to be my pain in the ass. I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything. I want him to know that someone is there for him even when he doesn't think he needs anyone. I can't get over him because one day it will dawn on him that we are perfect for each other. I know that may be a little odd and premature but believe me. When you know, you know. Our personalities match perfectly. They are the same but different enough to keep it interesting. We each make up for what the other lacks. We have the same sense of humor and we like the same music. He is the first person that has been able to make me forget my first love. I don't care if he doesn't see it now and I don't want to wait around. But I don't want to miss him when he realizes that I love every part of him. I don't want him to forget me and I don't want to forget him because I would shatter into a million pieces. That is why I live every single day in a small amount of pain. It's because I have the curse of hope hanging around my neck that he will realize one day soon."